Excuse me, I think your pants are on fire

When did someone make the decision in the clothing industry that if you are fat, you actually don’t need comfortable, reasonably priced exercise clothes? Those of you who know me are aware of my recent efforts to get fit and shed 50 odd kg (110 pounds for those still operating in non metric) and one of the weird things I have discovered is that when you are a fat chick (I am one, so don’t get all “you’re being mean to fat people” high horse), essentials such as sports bras, knickers, comfortable tracksuit pants and t-shirts are a little light on. Let me qualify this – I am aware there are LOTS of so called pants, t-shirts etc out there for those of us who have to shop in THAT section. My experience has also made me aware that most of this stuff is damn uncomfortable, non-breathable, synthetic and prone to riding up or falling down at the worst possible moment. When you are hauling your 133kg self up a hill on a walk, you are already in more than enough distress and trying to find ANY reason to stop. Having the waistband of your HIPSTER style tracksuit pants (who thought that was a good idea???) slowly rolling itself down to vanish under the protruding rolls of fat that cover your stomach and hips does not do wonders for the motivation. Combine this with your undies working their way up the yin yang and the realisation that a few tea bags would be giving you more support than your bra is managing adds up to a whole lot of “get me chocolate now”. And before anyone decides to leave a comment on how I bought this all on myself (thanks for the buckets of support) or I’m shopping in the wrong stores blah, blah, can I make a suggestion? Go out and put on a style of clothing you would normally never wear (we all have one of THOSE outfits lurking around the house), fill a backpack with at least 30kg and go for a flog around the block. Alternatively, go to a sports clothing section of your local department store, buy stuff that is completely the wrong fit for you and follow the 30kg in a backpack step in the first suggestion. To complete the experiment – ladies, drag out that old bra you have languishing in the bottom of your undies drawer that no longer has any elastic properties but you just never threw out. Put it on and jog up and down on the spot for a few minutes. Chaps, you put on your loosest pair of boxer shorts and do the jogging thing too. So much fun there are not enough words in the English language to describe it. Can make exercising in the nicky noo nar seem like an attractive option.

Now, I have been exercising and eating well for the last 3 months and the effort has (mostly) been worth it. This is not a huge rant about the unfairness of being overweight and that when you aren’t a size whatever the world is against you (well, maybe a little bit). I just want to point out that a lot of the time, when you are overweight, you will often use ANY excuse to put off hauling your butt off the lounge and taking it for a wobble around pavements of your local suburb. It is already scary enough to think that a local Australia Post person might come past and think that your body mass qualifies you for your own postcode. Worrying that your synthetic fabric pants might combust where your thighs rub together is just a pressure you can do without. Unless you like your pants on fire and if you do, I don’t want to know.

Mmmmmmmm, cheese

I decided tonight that I should enjoy some last “pleasures” before I have to get my game, er, B.O.O.B.S on. So, I am currently enjoying the company of my husband, Tim, a brie, red wine and mersey valley vintage cheese. Tomorrow will be filled with preparations for the start of the B.O.O.B.S campaign, along with some fruity flavours, as the cheese works its way through. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, cheese.

Kind of like a lava lamp…

Do you remember the episode of  “The Simpsons” when Homer kept seeing an alien on his way home from Moe’s and they called in Mulder and Scully? This has always been one of my favourites, mainly due to the scene where Scully puts Homers on a  treadmill and tells Mulder that she finds watching Homer running mesmerising, “kind of like a lava lamp”.  I know this feeling – not being mesmerised on a treadmill, mainly the feeling of parts of my body (mainly boobs, bum and tummy) seeming to move off in their own direction when I run. I mean, it’s kind of the right way for them to move, but the sheer mass of the movement is kind of off putting at times – the worst one is probably RPM, when the ta ta’s and tummy move around so much I kind of reach this critical mass stage where I think I’m going to be wobbled right off the bike by sheer momentum.  Especially not comfortable is the bit where my stomach (pushed up my my furiously pedalling legs) is pushed up into my descending bosom at the rate of around 4 impacts every 6 seconds. Thank god the music is loud, as I feel the sound of flesh slapping together would be very disturbing for the rest of the class.

“Why has she crapped on about this for a whole paragraph?” I hear you ask. Well, one I promised you could be voyuers – never promised for it to be pleasant. That’s the risk you take. Two, trying to give you an idea of WHY I want to do this (beyond raising money for charity). Slimmer and fitter is good, no longer feeling like a lava lamp is even better. Spread the word about my campaign, stay tuned and go watch some more Simpsons episodes…

The plan (and some background stuff)

There always is one, but I have to say now, I never promise it will be a good one. Here’s the idea

As there always is with something like this, there is a “personal agenda” (or 2) behind this idea. I have to lose around 45kg and as you may (or may not) know, staying motivated and focused is never easy. However, if I was being sponsored to lose the weight and the money was going to Bosom Buddies, I know I would have to think more than twice before I ate my bodyweight in KFC chips or blow off a training session at the gym. I am a member of Fernwood Gungahlin and have a personal trainer called Lynn, who’s sister recently went through treatment for breast cancer, so she is also motivated to train me as it would raise money for a cause that means a lot to her.

With me so far? Well, here’s where YOU come in…

I am proposing that people (yes, all of you out there in Internet land) could sponsor me either per kilo, cm I lose or just make a general donation to Bosom Buddies  – the money would go to Bosom Buddies, who would issue a receipt (tax deductible if it is over $2) and then have the funds available to provide more of their stellar support. What I am asking from you is help in publicising this – the more sponsors I get, the more money we raise. For my part, I will run a blog, publish my weight and Cm’s on the Internet (going public about how much weight I have to lose is not my idea of wonderful, but all for a good cause) as well as keeping a running total of money raised.

Now, of course, I have to tell you “what’s in it for you?”. Well, to be honest, I have no idea what would motivate you to donate money to any organisation. Sweet FA for all I know. Just keep this in  mind – you get to watch me go through what will be quite an interesting experience for anyone who has the smallest bit of a voyeur in them – and who doesn’t? You’re reading this blog right now . I promise there will be no nudie shots, but can’t give any guarantee that things  like vomiting, crying, flipping out and raving about how the whole world is slim except me won’t. So, you get entertainment (if people can call “Britain’s Got talent” entertainment, a weight loss/fundraising blog can be one too), I lose my arse, underarm flubba dubbas and jelly tummy and Bosom Buddies get extra money. Sweeeeeeeeeet.
So stay tuned, let me know if you’re “in” and I’ll start the weight loss diary June 1st. Watch for more background stuff soon.